Hanuman

"Who is this monkey approaching us, Lakshmana?"

"I don't know, Rama," replied Lakshmana. "It is obvious that from the way he walks that he is unique."

The monkey approached them and spoke.

"I am Hanuman and I have been sent by the Vanara King in exile because he was kicked out by his elder brother who actually deserved the throne. Who are you and what do you want in this forest?"

"See the way he speaks Lakshmana. I am filled with hope. This is indeed a good omen. I am sure this Hanuman monkey will be the key to our finding Sita."

Lakshmana had always doubted if his brother was entirely sane. These doubts rose once again. He said nothing.

Rama spoke to Hanuman, "Wonderful monkey. I am Rama."

Hanuman fell to his knees and cried, "Oh Lord of the heavens. I am honoured to be in your presence!"

Hanuman, born Maruthi, was born to a beautiful monkey woman named Anjana. Whatever it means to be a beautiful monkey, that is.

Maruthi was born the same way as most heroes are: illegitimately. He was the fruit of passion between Anjana and Vaayu.

As a child he flew towards the sun thinking it was some delicious fruit. Seeing this, Rahu flew to Indra to complain.

"Indra, what is the meaning of this injustice? I was promised that I alone will have the powers to cause solar eclipses and harass the sun."

"For the hundred and eighth time, Rahu, you don't cause solar eclipses."

"What nonsense! I alone am responsible for solar eclipses. Is it my fault that whenever I'm causing an eclipse that moron Chandran comes in the way?"

"But we have more important issues to deal with now," said Rahu. "I demand that you stop that monkey in his path."

"Is it a boy monkey?"

"How should I know? That's unimportant, Indra. Just stop that monkey. You have promised me that I alone shall have the rights to trouble Surya. You cannot go back on your work now. I won't let it be. I'll tell the Trinity. I'll hinder the rishis ceremonies and they'll think it's you and you'll be cursed to live as a eunuch. Or I'll find someone to usurp your position as King of the Devas and I'll ask the new king to stop that monkey. I'll--"

"ALL RIGHT! I'll stop him."

In those days too, nagging worked wonders.

In his rage, Indra threw the Vajra, his most powerful weapon, at the young Maruthi. Maruthi fell to the ground dead.

Almost dead it turned out. They boy was scarred and his chin damaged. His father was incensed and as Wind God he stopped all winds in the Three Worlds. The stench that rose was unbearable to all.

Soon, all the gods were at Vaayu's feet and to pacify him each of them blessed Maruthi by granting him immunity against their weapons. Maruthi was also given the boon that he would die only when he wanted to.

Later, Shiva drew Indra aside and spoke to him in a low voice.

"The boy will live long and no-one can harm him but your damage is permanent. Maruthi will be retarded for the rest of his life. And you better do something about it before his father finds out."

"Vaayu," Indra said to the proud father. "I have a few things to tell you about Hanuman."

"Who is Hanuman?"

"I have named your son Hanuman. He will be the only one to have survived my Vajra and his broken chin bears that mark. So I have named him Hanuman. I must tell you something about him that you may not like hearing."

"What?" demanded Vaayu, his anger rising.

"He will not know that he is immune to all our weapons."

"Why not? What outrage! This is --"

"Wait! It is more of a blessing than anything Vaayu. Listen to me. Power corrupts all men and monkeys. If Hanuman knew that he were immune to all our weapons he would know that misuse his power and the next thing you know Vishnu will take an avatar to kill him and they won't support you then."

"You make sense but don't you think it fair to give him a chance before he forgets."

"Sure we could Vaayu that's your choice. But look at it like this. What if he wisen's up to us and instead of attacking us, he disturbs the rishis and they curse him? We'll have no control of that, after all, even we suffer every once in a while because of it."

"Good point. What about his education? I want my son to get the finest possible education."

"Surya. Undoubtedly."

"Why me?" cried Surya.

"It's because of you that all this happened. That stupid monkey was heading your way. And you'll do it. No excuses."

Surya agreed to teach the young Hanuman. To put it lightly, Hanuman was a difficult student and whatever technique he used it seemed impossible to educate him. Indra's blow, it seemed, made him immune to education.

In time however, Surya discovered the teaching style that uniquely suited Hanuman.

"All right, Hanuman. Go off and play now."

"It's impossible. I cannot teach him," he moaned to Indra.

"You must do something. Vaayu'll be at our throats if you don't find something to do."

"His education is done," Surya explained to Vaayu. "Your son is a most singularly intelligent boy. He learnt everything that I had to teach him in a little less than two days. Remarkable, remarkable."

"Really?" asked the proud father.

"Definitely. In fact, there are times when his response seems completely unrelated to what has been said to him. It took me time to realize that his words carried a deeper meaning than what they appear to be at first glance."

"Is he mad or something," Rama asked Lakshmana.

The Ramayana as told to Valmiki

Chapter 1 How it all began

Vishnu was tense. He paced back and forth along the length of his bed. His wife, Lakshmi, sat cross-legged on the bed awaiting a response.

He stopped pacing and faced her.

"But you're the one who wanted a role in this one."

"What choice did I have? If I hadn't volunteered, some other woman would've played the part. I wasn't going to allow that, was I? And why haven't you begun popularizing my epic yet?"

"I will, I will, as soon -- your epic? Since when has this been your epic?"

"It's always been my epic. Think about it, dear, if not for me would the great adventure even have taken place? My eloping was central to the whole plot. And when are you getting it published?"

Women! They would keep hounding you until they got what the wanted. They wouldn't be happy until they got what they wanted and they made sure you weren't either. And, finally when they did, (as was always the case), they still weren't satisfied. Marketing strategies were invented with women in mind. Vishnu knew all this and thought about the future where women would demand equal rights and opportunities and finally, when they got them, they would invent sexual harassment.

Vishnu started pacing again thinking, if this story ever gets out, it'll be the death of me. People will stop worshipping me. No. This story will not be published as it happened and that's final. He turned and faced her with a steel resolve.

"Lakshmi," he said sternly.

She raised an eyebrow.

"I'll call Narada now to discuss it. Please leave the room."

You would think it was easy being one of the Trinity. One of the three most powerful Gods in the universe, but no, you had only one room. This one room functioned as your bedroom, dining room and office. To make matters worse, you shared this room with your wife. In other words, zero freedom. Because you were a God, you couldn't take breaks to the loo and there were no working hours; or rather, all hours were working hours. His worshippers and the sages would come in at any time. Out of the window went privacy. And, to top it all, you still had to be wary about angering the rishis. One wrong move and they cursed you with the very boon you had given them.

Vishnu reflected upon the humans on earth thinking about why life was so unfair. You think your life is unfair? Think about me.

Vishnu and his other two partners had each found their own way of dealing with the issue. Brahma threw himself in with the lot of the Devas, the lesser Gods. Plus, he kept himself occupied with creating because that was what he was: the God of creation. He enjoyed his work. And why wouldn't he? There's pride involved in what he does, Vishnu reflected sourly. To top things, he also gave boons to psychopaths like Ravana. Pray to him and he'd give you what you asked for. And the kind of determination one needed to get a boon from him was such that you had to be a psycho to please him in the first place. His boon to Ravana had been that Ravana could not be harmed by devas, danavas, rakshasas, gandharvas, or yakshas. Vishnu had heard that Ravana himself had thought up and asked for this boon. Vishnu felt that it would have been far simpler if Ravana had simply asked that he could be killed only by a man rather than listing out races that were not even known to exist. Vishnu himself had never seen a danava. It was because of Brahma, in fact, that Vishnu had had to take this avatar in the first place. It's because of Brahma that I had to take an avatar in the first place. If I hadn't taken this avatar, I wouldn't be in the pickle I'm in right now.

And though he wouldn't accept it to anyone, Vishnu had still to understand what Shiva's job in the whole Trinity thing was. As far as he had observed, all the eldest of the Trinity did was enjoy himself with his second wife, Parvathi, in the mountains and have fun. In such an inaccessible location he had few visitors and a lot of privacy. Unsurprisingly, he was the only one of the Trinity with children. Plus, the God was terribly short tempered, get on his wrong side and he opened his third eye, the eye on his forehead, and you were ashes. As the God of Destruction, it seemed he destroyed only those who angered him. Vishnu didn't have the courage to ask him why he was such a big-shot. He also got too much credit for the things he did. Once, when he was dancing, he accidentally stepped on a rakshasa who died under his weight. Shiva used this fluke to his advantage and said he'd done it as part of his duty as the Destroyer.

"Don't look so shocked. He deserved to die for all the sins he has committed since his birth," said Shiva to the onlookers.

That moron deserves it for getting in my way, thought Shiva. This stance I've taken to regain balance is pretty good. I should name it.

He faced the crowd and said, "The pose I used to kill him is called: the Nataraja."

Someone from inside the crowd began clapping. Immediately everyone started clapping and his act was heralded as one of the greatest in the three worlds.

Nothing of that sort ever happens with me, thought Vishnu, his sour mood deepening.

Vishnu's own method of escaping the tremendous boredom that eternity held was to take avatars. He had been careful about his first six avatars, taking time to plan them well. The seventh, this one, was a terrible blunder. He'd been forced into it by Brahma and the Devas.

It's all Brahma's fault that I'm in this pickle.

It had all begun in Brahma's abode. The Devas had congregated there to petition him.

"O Great Lord Brahma, the divine Creator, you must save us. Ravana has become all powerful because of the boon you granted him and now has us all trembling with fear. Please help us!" pleaded Indra, king of the Devas.

"If you really want to stop him, why don't you also pray to me, get a boon to kill him and end it? That kid worked real hard to get where he is now and you want me to put an end to it? Not a chance."

As Vishnu's ill luck would have it, at that same time, Vishnu was on his way to meet Brahma regarding the preservation of a bird named the dodo. Brahma saw him approaching and said to the Devas, "You could ask Vishnu, you know. I'll put in a good word with him too."

Vishnu arrived at Brahma's abode and was immediately accosted by the Devas.

"Oh mighty Vishnu, most popular of the Trinity and Holy Preserver, Brahma and we feel it is time for you to take an avatar to kill the evil Ravana," intoned Varuna.

"But, don't you know? I am already roaming the earth in an avatar as Parasurama the kshathriya hater."

"That is hardly a problem for thee, Madhusoodhana," said Agni.

"I know it isn't but I'd like to think this through."

Brahma felt it was time he intervened, "Madhava, there won't be any problems. I have already planned things. You are to be born the eldest son of a king. For sixteen years you will live a princely life. At this time, the brahmarishi, Vishwamitra will come to your kingdom, take you to protect a yagna he is performing. There you will kill two demons named Maricha and Keechaka who are Ravana's cousins. Angered by this, Ravana will come to kill you -- only to die. Then, as is your choice, you can rule on earth or die in a freak accident, leaving the country for your brothers to rule."

"That's it? Only sixteen years?"

"Well...you could stay on for longer if you wanted, get married, have children and also privacy, I'm sure. But only if you really want that sort of a life." said Brahma digging into his weakness.

Vishnu turned to the Devas. "Indra, it shall be as you please. I shall take form as a man and kill the evil Ravana. And then I shall rule for ten thousand years."

"What?!! Ten thousand years? Just what did you have in mind when you said that?" screamed Lakshmi at the top of her voice.

"But Ravana is an evil man who must be killed. And he's polluted the earth now. It will take me at least ten thousand years to cleanse the earth of his sins."

It was only downhill from there.

"In that case, I'm coming with you. I'll also take an avatar."

"But...but...whom will you be? There's no place for you in this avatar!"

"Isn't there? You get to be a king and rule the world for ten thousand years and are you telling me you won't get married?"

"Oh, that part..." Vishnu lied. He stammered, "M-ma-marriage and family never occured to me. You'll be my wife."

"Yes. That part. I'll give you remaining details later," so saying she left and he was trapped.

It's going to be a long avatar indeed, thought Vishnu.

It was all Brahma's fault. Vishnu had been rushed into it without being given enough time. Brahma had played a trick upon him and used his deepest desires to made him fall into his trap.

All this because Brahma lost his fifth head.

Vishnu continued his pacing.

"Narayana, Narayana"

Vishnu jumped. He rounded angrily upon his devotee, Narada. "How many times have I told you not to creep up on me like that!"

Narada smiled coyly.

"Never mind. Do you know why you have been summoned?"

"No."

"Lakshmi wants...I want the story of my latest avatar written down post-haste."

Narada's eyes widened in shock, "But..."

"Wipe that shock off your face! You know that it has to be documented, don't you?"

Narada found difficulty bringing his lips together, "I do...but this one? Are you--"

"Of course I'm sure! Yes, I know, it is quite embarrassing but it came out well in the end didn't it? I won eventually... didn't I? It has to be documented."

Narada was now having a hard time unsealing his lips, "But the manner in whi--"

"That's irrelevant. Now, the reason why I called you, can you write it?"

"Of course!" Finally, the honor of documenting an epic! He would make it huge! It would be unique. What would his opening lines be? 'It was love at first sight.' 'It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.' 'Call me--' "What?"

"Are you listening to me? I asked you if you could write it in perfect detail. Can you see all the events that occurred from the perspective of all characters -- important and the extras. In such detail that even a casual reader of the epic will feel as if he is in the epic. In such a way that when reading of things from a characters perspective, the reader breathes and lives and agrees with that character." Narada nodded enthusiastically, only half listening. He could do it. Vishnu droned on, "You realize that this is a very hard task, don't you?"

"Oh yes, I understand the enormity of the task perfectly. But I can do it perfectly because I saw it from the start as it happened and I remember."

"But can you write it in the pure unadulterated truth?"

"That's the only way I can write it," Narada said proudly.

"In that case, you won't do. Leave me, Narada. I need to do some thinking."

Narada left chanting or praying under his breath. All Vishnu could make out was that the word 'Narayana' was used often.

Vishnu put Narada out of his mind and resumed pacing. It was obvious to him that none of his experienced devotees would be of any use to him in this endeavor. He needed someone new. He needed...

"A criminal. A vile, corrupt criminal. That's the only person who can do such a thing," said the village chieftain to the gathered villagers.

The Story of Jayadhratha

During the course of the Mahabharatha, one encounters many valiant heroes, each with several accomplishments to their name. And this is not on the Pandavas side alone but even the Kauravas. Unfortunately, because of the vastness of this great Indian epic, many of these heroes are unsung with their names not immediately familiar to the average Hindu or the casual Mahabharatha reader.

Jayadhratha, obviously, is not among these well-known heroes.

A simple glance at the unsung heroes' list will reveal that he is not there either.

Quite simply, Jayadhratha was a dope. He was on the side of the Kauravas and a great friend of Duryodhana. His greatest asset was the large army he commanded purely by accident -- he was born son of the king, Brihatkshatra. Having engendered a son like Jayadhratha, Brihatkshatra lost all hope and took to sanyasa i.e., the life of a hermit. Nonetheless, because the boy was, after all, his son, the newly turned hermit obtained a boon for his son: "whomsoever is responsible for my son's head falling on the ground will have his own head break into a hundred pieces."

Needless to say, this made Jayadhratha a very arrogant and proud man.

In that list of famous heroes, lies a young, dashing, bold, talented, skilled, and newly wedded boy of sixteen named Abhimanyu. He was the son of Arjuna and Subhadhra and was married to a pretty girl named Uttara. Uttara's father had originally wanted Abhimanyu's father to marry her but we shan't explore those details here because this take is primarily concerned with Jayadhratha.

War is a complicated affair. Most of us don't know why it is fought. The Mahabharatha was hardly an exception to this. Why were more than fifteen million people killed in a family feud? When both sides cheated why was one side better than the other? We shall skip over these details also.

The Mahabharatha was a huge war (total count: eighteen million) and as leaders it had the greatest military minds -- Bheeshma and Drona. The period this story is concerned with are the thirteenth and the fourteenth days and by this time Bheeshma was out of the action with Drona leading the armies. Now, as an army maneuver, armies arranged themselves in formations. Shapes such as the Crescent, Eagle, Tortoise, and Whisky formations. Of these formations, the Lotus formation was the hardest to break and only a handful of people knew how to break in and out of it. On the Pandavas' side, only Krishna, Arjuna, and Abhimanyu knew how to break into it. Breaking out of the formation was even more complicated and known only to the first two.

On the thirteenth day, Arjuna and his charioteer, Krishna, were off on a personal vendetta and on this day, Drona used the Lotus formation. Yudhishtra asked Abhimanyu to break into the formation because his army was suffering severe losses. Abhimanyu confessed to his handicap regarding the formation but was sent in nevertheless under assurances from his uncles that they would follow him immediately.

Unfortunately, Yudhishtra could not make good on his promise for as soon as the young lad went in the formation closed.

Once inside, he fought bravely, defeating -- in single combat -- every warrior. However he was eventually slain thanks to treachery and foul play by the great Kaurava warriors.

Everyone on the Pandavas side was furious with Jayadhratha. They blamed him entirely for the underhanded methods used to kill their beloved Abhimanyu. Jayadhratha blocked the entrance to the formation. That was all he did.

That night Arjuna returned to the camps and went wild upon hearing of his son's death and the manner in which he was slain.

"No big deal. I have many wives and many other sons to spare."

"You're supposed to react and get angry," Krishna whispered to him.

"Oh. Oh yeah, you're right," said Arjuna. "O Great Brother of mine, Yudhi, you bastard, how could you be irresponsible? One day we go to meet our--"

Krishna loudly cleared his throat.

"One day we go to defeat the Thrigartha army and I return to hear that my favorite son, Abhishek--"

"Abhimanyu," said Bheema who didn't understand much else of what was going on.

"I called him Abhishek," clarified Arjuna. "To hear that my son Abhimanyu is dead? What is this injustice? What were you people doing?"

"There was nothing we could do Arjuna. The boy volunteered and we promised to follow him. We couldn't follow him in because Jayadhradha blocked our way in," said Nakula.

"Oh, that's all right then. You guys tried your best. This is war. People die. But I can't believe that sissy, Jayadhratha, blocked you."

"You're supposed to react angrily. An oath to kill him?" suggested Krishna.

Arjuna made a few calculations about ease of work and said, "I swear that by sunset tomorrow, I will kill Jayadhradha or burn myself in fire."

In those days, communication was difficult. They didn't have cell-phones or emails or sms'. Heck, they didn't even have the Morse code to send each other telegrams. And even if they did, it wouldn't have helped because they didn't speak English. (This is where you admire my Sanskrit translating skills.) Yet, news traveled fast between the warring camps. Soon news of Arjuna's oath reached the Kaurava camp and our intrepid hero was prepared.

"I'm all packed," said Jayadhratha.

"For what?"

"You know, Dury, I really think this was thing isn't good for my health. My royal physician did advise full rest, you know. 'You're the kind to lose your head in the heat of battle,' he said. I think it's best I leave."

"Well…. Will your armies stay?" asked a concerned Duryodhana.

"Oh no! I need them for protecting the kingdom, you know. Matters of security and other things, you know."

"Jayadhratha! You are my best friend! There is no one I respect more and desire more as a friend than you! If you leave my side during this time of the war, I cannot fight it. It will be like my own brother Yuyutsu himself abandoning me! I need you for moral support."

"Well…now that you've put it that way, there's just one more suggestion I'd like to make. You know, you could just give them those silly five villages they asked for. What the heck, they could have it from my kingdom, you know."

"Ah, but things won't be that simple, young Jayadhratha," said Shakuni, Duryodhana's uncle. "The Pandavas plotted to proceed to conquer other kingdoms with those villages as their base. Why else do you think we, I mean, Duryodhana refused them? If the villages are from your kingdom, your kingdom will fall first."

"Not only that, Jayadhratha, it's obvious they have some other reason to target you," said Drona. Obviously, your ineptitude, Drona thought. Aloud he said, "Why else are they targeting you instead of Abhimanyu's killer?"

"But don't let these things bother you, Jayadhratha," said Duryodhana. "We will protect you at all costs."

"Oh yes, we'll all protect you," said Karna. "I give you my word."

"I'll protect you too," reassured Drona.

"All right, all right. I'll stay," said Jayadhratha. "I'm touched by your affection, you know. And it strikes me that even if I am killed--"

"Oh, but you won't be," interrupted Ashwatthama who didn't know the future. "I'll protect you too."

"But supposing I am still ki--"

"Oh, but you won't be," assured Kripa who knew the future but understood the need for Jayadhratha's army.

"I know, but still, if I am--"

"You won't be, J. Quit worrying," said Dussasana, beginning to get a little irritated.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET ME--", shouted a red-faced Jayadhratha.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, LET HIM FINISH!", shouted Duryodhana, afraid that Jayadhratha might leave in anger.

Jayadhratha glared at Duryodhana.

"Supposing I am killed," said Jayadhratha. He paused and stared at everyone as if challenging them to interrupt. He continued, "My father's book ensures that Arjuna will also die and it will be a great asset to you either way."

The silence that filled the room was like Britney Spears singing in a decent outfit: unbearable.

But Jayadhratha had made a huge tactical error (he wasn't known for his intelligence anyway, in fact, he was hardly known). Now the possibility of getting two birds in one stone was too tempting for the Kauravas.

After a long consideration and an equally long silence, the king spoke, "I, Duryodhana, promise that we will protect you at all costs, Jayadhratha."

He said so giving everyone else in the room a cold stare. They caught on quick and hid their disappointment. All except Drona who left the room. A few minutes later loud wailing and crying noises were heard from his tent. No explanations were forthcoming.

Meanwhile, in Arjuna's tent, Krishna and Arjuna were immersed in forming a strategy for the next day.

"You idiot! What were you thinking? Have you decided to die?"

"But Krishna, you asked me to take an oath."

"Yes, but I expected you to swear to kill him or give-up garlic or something."

"Shucks! Krishna, you have to save me! I'll do anything. I don't want to die! It's your fault that I'm fighting this war."

"My fault? What'd I do?"

"You kept talking about some Bhagawath Geetha that I agreed to fight just so that you'd stop."

"Well, if that's how you feel about it, I won't help you."

"No! It was wonderful! Also, you'll have to take up arms if I die."

"All right, all right. I'll think of something."

Krishna went back to his tent and consulted his almanac. There's a solar eclipse tomorrow evening. Perfect.

Nevertheless, Krishna gave instructions to his charioteer to enter the battlefield if called for.

The next day, Jayadhratha was well protected and try as he might, Arjuna couldn't get near him. Sunset was fast approaching.

"Krishna, please help me," pleaded Arjuna. "Please do something."

"All in good time my friend," he said, looking at the sun.

And then it came. Or rather, it went. The sun set and all was dark. Both sides were flooded with disappointment. All save one were sad.

But the Kaurava side came out of their sorrow quickly because they knew that Arjuna was sure to die. They roared in jubilation.

Krishna whispered to Arjuna.

Arjuna said, "What? Speak up! I can't hear you."

"I have caused this sunset. The sun will come out again in a matter of minutes. When it does, you must kill Jayadhratha."

As predicted, the sun rose and it was still day. In the pandemonium that ensued, Arjuna shot his arrows and severed Jayadhratha's head.

"Quickly Arjuna, do not let the head fall on the ground," warned Krishna. "If you do, your own head will break into a hundred pieces." And there's no laundry in the world that can wash the stains off my clothes.

Being the skilled archer that he was, Arjuna could have directed Jayadhratha's head to anyone in the Kaurava army. But he shot the head into Brihatkshatra's lap. Jayadhratha's father woke from his trance of meditation, saw a bodiless head in his lap and dropped it in disgust. By the time he realized his mistake, his own head broke into a hundred pieces.

During all this, the Kaurava army watched and did nothing else.

Thus ends the tale of Jayadhratha.

Quite an anti-climax, if you ask me.

Mahabharatha: Reason Behind the War

Many of you don't know the Mahabharatha. Well... you know that it's there and it's a great indian epic telling of great heroism. But the real truth of the Mahabharatha is more complicated.
The tale tells you that there were these two sets of cousins (one hundred on one side and five on the other) who hated each other (sibling rivalry at its maximum) and that the hundred ruled the kingdom, sent the five to the forest, and when the five asked for half the kingdom back, they couldn't give the speech which they were sure would win people to their cause and cinch the argument in their favor. They couldn't give their speech because it went something like this:

Yudhishtra: "We want half the kingdom back because-- Hey, get up, stop laughing, hear me out."

The whole hall burst out laughing and they couldn't stop. Angered by this, the Pandavas (the five brothers) started lobbying their case to others who joined them simply because they couldn't bear the offensive, obnoxious speech he gave in the name of justice. The Kauravas (the hundred brothers and one sister) stopped their laughing pretty quick when they realized that the pandavas were gathering an army and collected their own. Fortunately, they outnumbered the Pandavas twenty-to-one and had a bigger army. But because they spent too much of their time laughing on their buttocks, the armies were in the ratio 11:7 in the Kauravas favour.

Anyway, I digress. That's the bullsh*t they feed you in the name of the Mahabharatha. The truth is that it was actually a war between the bastards and the legitimately born. This is quite complicated and will take some time. Bear with me.

There was this king named Shanthanu. He married the river Ganga. I know this sounds complicated but remember, these were magical times. (On an aside, you've probably heard the phrase "turned to putty in my hands" but Ganga gave a new phrase and definition because she "turned to water in his hands." Pretty weak, I know, but that's why you don't find it mentioned much in literature: they're only interested in romanticizing everything. And as an honest reporter, it's my duty to give you the whole truth. No less; no more.) Anyway, after a series of accidents (the wife throwing seven of her her newborns into the river), they finally had a child who didn't die. He was born during a drought and hence didn't drown. This kid was named Devavratha. At the age of sixteen, he started to get interested in girls (a little late, I agree but it gets more complicated). Note that this kid was legitimately born. For the first sixteen years of his life, he was brought up by his mother. During this time, the queenless, heirless, hairless king ruled well. Young, pretty women, especially, had no problems as there were plenty of job openings in the palace. When the boy returned to the palace, the father had to show him how to be an upstanding man and so there was a huge void in the palace and great unemployment was also caused.

Later these unemployed women formed a union and taught their tricks to a man named Abika who compiled all their learnings in a book named Kamasutra. Once again, I digress.

The boy and his father got along pretty well. Until the father finally fell in love with a fisherman's daughter named Satyavathi. For his dad to have a happy married life the boy swore he would never marry or give rise to any offspring. His dad did this to ensure that his wife wouldnt elope with his young handsome son (he was balding and bald men have these fears, I guess). His son readily swore because he'd begun to find the male form more attractive.
"So the king was happily married and he fostered two sons. Then he died. The two sons married a woman each and died. The kingdom was heirless. Devavrata was since known as Bheeshma (that's sanskrit for "I've opted out of women and the throne so that my dad can continue his lusty life"). Satyavati asked Bheeshma, who refused.

Taking the advice of the learned ones, Satyavati decided to call upon the assistance of a horny brahmin who would foster children from her two childless daughter-in-laws. The brahmin she called was the sage Veda Vyasa, who wrote the Mahabharatha. Vyasa was also a bastard. Satyavathi was his mother and his father was the great sage Parashara. How the son of a nameless man and a fisherman's wife was a brahmin is also unknown.

Thanks to Vyasa were born Dhridhurashtra and Pandu, both, if I may re-iterate, bastards.

Dhridhurashtra and Pandu had one important diffence amongst them apart from the fact that Dhridhurashtra was blind. Pandu was impotent whereas Dhridhurashtra was super-virile.

Ironically, Dhridhurashtra had but one wife (the blind man thing) and Pandu had two (he liked to travel). Dhridhurashtra, being the randy, jolly roger that he was had a hundred sons and one daughter.

Luckily for Pandu, his wife, Kunthi, knew a way to evoke gods that she may have sex with them. (At the young age of fourteen itself she experienced sex by calling on the sun-god. Thus was born Karna, also a bastard, but with mixed priorities.) So Pandu had five sons. Five, yes, you've guessed it, five bastards.

Unfortunately for Karna, he did not know the origins of his birth, else he would have taken the side of the Pandavas instead of the Kauravas.

Throught the Mahabharatha, Vyasa aided the Pandavas. After all, one helps ones kind. As did Krishna, a man with redoubtable origins. Born in a prison, brought up as a cow-herd, and, by a series of amazing accidents, made king.

Eventually, the Pandavas, unable to stand the Kauravas justified insults, declared war upon the Kauravas. Yudhishtra's speech was simply this: "You may laugh at us, legitimate born, but know this. We declare war on you now. And we shall rid the world of your kind. The future generations of kshatriyas will have descended from us, the bastard kind. See you at the battlefield, $%&^*." (Somehow, the insults that the Pandavas used to fling at the legitimately born have been lost in time which is why I'm forced to use these punctuation marks.)

And that's why they fought the bloody war in the first place.

This article is far from complete. I wrote it as an email to a friend and I've reproduced it here verbatim, typos and all. I'll organize the whole thing in good time and include a bit about Balarama, the man who supported the Kauravas but didn't fight because his brother, Krishna, had taken the other side, the bastard.